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I am sick

I have laryngitis.

I sound like a man whenever I can actually talk

I hate it when my parents go outside to smoke a cigarette.

When they come in to talk to me they smell.

I hate that smell.

I feel like sometimes I can't breathe cause my vocal folds are swollen.

I read in the Newspaper today that a 17 year old girl died from Laryngitis.

That is so horrible, and of all things?

I don't know why I'm not just writing all this down in a paragraph form.

I kinda think its annoying to write this way.

And Yet I continue.

I want to redo my bedroom.

Instead of a twin day bed possibly a full or king

I want a new television. possibly a flat screen.

I want a million dollars to fulfill this quest of mine.

I hate financial aid.

their are so many things to fill out.

It's scary to think that I can't pay for school.

I am not worried about paying loans back.

I wish that my parents didn't have to suffer.

Suffer in the sense that their is no money.

My dad regrets not going to College.

My mom regrets going to College and not perusing further into her Masters in English

Regrets.

That's a funny word.

so is pudding.

My Uncle Edward died today. He was 67.

I'm unsure where to begin but I guess in a way I feel sad and relieved so he wouldn't have to suffer although he had a heart attack..... He was in a Nursing home for 4 1/2 years, didn't even know his own mother died in 04' (long story) and I don't know it just hasn't hit me yet.. it's a sad situation the wake is Monday and burial is Tuesday..I haven't seen him in that amount of time because I didn't/don't know how to react to seeing someone who isnt who they use to be anymore.. My father never saw him while he was in the nursing home because he didn't want to remember his oldest brother that way.. fragile and weak..I could understand that.. I don't know how to react if it's an open casket.. or what.. I honestly don't.. But I'll miss him.. He taught me how to play cards, draw, and express a love for classic movies.. Casablanca is one of my favorites because of him...

Rest in Peace Uncle Edward, I'm sure Mama & Grandfather will make you feel welcomed..

February 15th 1941 - December 13 2008.

It's been quite sometime since I've posted an journal entry on here. I think I say that every time I actually update this thing. So i changed the layout of this page and I think its quite cute. I've been posting a lot on Mad Rad Hair to get ideas on how I want to cut my hair. I don't want it to be short I think I'll just trim it and see what happens. It needs some reshaping if I want to grow it out.

I've been attending SUNY Plattsburgh for about a year, I'm on summer break until the 23rd of August which is in..oh gosh 9 days. Ugh. I guess I kind of hate the Idea of going back since I have a pretty nasty cold. Although its calm down a bit since last week. All I have now really is a headache and just sometimes swallowing hurts a bit. Oy. I'm looking forward to another semester at school. New people, New Classes, a new room mate. I think it'll be good :D and then three more semester to go.. wo0t. :D


I have a wedding to go to this weekend with Steven. I just hope I'm well enough to not ruin it for myself and for him. Steve & I have been dating for almost two years. It'll be two years in September and I couldnt be happier! I love him a lot and I'll miss him when I go back to school but I'll see him again the weekend of Sept 13th. He's still working crazy hours so I hope to see him a bit more before I go back to school. I'll try to post some more more so than usual. The last time I posted was about a year and half? I believe... oy

Lauren

I cant wait until i leave this house i dont want to be here anymore. my day consisted of taking my brother to the movies in which he didnt even say thank you to me for or even offer to give me the 8 dollars for the movie ticket. Then I came home to take my mom to the doctors because of her ankle didnt even get a thank you for that either and then on the way home she wanted something to eat and she said she wanted KFC ( 10 minutes it took for her to decide) and i kept on telling her that i didnt want anything from there then she said oh then i dont want anything so i just ignored her and got her something. then we go to wendys and the whole time were fighting and then she asked for a large fry and i got it for her and she didnt even say thank you for that shes so ungrateful. Then we come home and she keeps on asking me whats wrong meanwhile i rather not talk to her because shes gonna make me yell at her and then she tells mikey that i throw the bag of kfc at her meanwhile i threw it at the backseat of the car because whatever the money i spent on it she didnt give a shit she didnt even want anything even though she said she did so why the hell did i waste gas on driving there? and then have to come home to hear both my brother and mother call me insane and that im a lunatic and i told them to leave me a alone and all they wanted to do was continue call me names meanwhile all i did today was help them out take them out do whatever they wanted.

I plan on just locking myself in my room until tomorrow around 4pm so me and my dad can go over the plattsburgh stuff and thats it. I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone or do anything because everyone just says not even sorry no no one tonight said sorry and meant it.. i just cant wait to leave and go away and maybe never come back. yep bye.

I've tried to keep everything calm and cool but things seem to always go down hill whenever family members are around. I just want to be left alone.. i feel so much happier that way. almost 20 years I've never been away from home for more than a few days meaning a few days away from my family. I doubt I would get home sick if I was a way for longer. Maybe I would miss them sometimes I think anyone would because your so use to something but I wont miss Staten Island or the Idea of it.
Tonight I went to the Muddy Cup with Lea and Justin we had fun. But still sometimes i feel like Lea expects so much more then I can offer when it comes to education and for my own lifestyle. Oh well I'm my own person I can do what I see is right.. I'm a lover not a fighter which it seems lea wants me to fight for going to Adelphi. Uh No. Im going to SUNY Plattsburgh I'll be happy their since i got into Adelphi its nice I got into the two schools in which I applied too but its not right for me. 45 minutes away for me is too close 8 hours for me seems perfect. Lol as weird as that sounds.
I need to be happy and to continue to lose the weight in which I intend too and continue to keep my head focused for a new job and school. I've been happy lately until last night which lea just had her comments. HER usual comments like sisters do its crazy I'm not like her. I'll never be like her.

I'll get over it I need to keep my cool & yeah 5 more lbs gone.

After watching last weeks episode of Greys Anatomy I thought I wouldn't watch it ever again. But, of course knowing me and I had to watch tonights episode because after watching the first season and second season with my sister all those hours spent in awe over the show crying, laughing, and pondering about my own life I came to realize I cant just stop. I know their lives and their personalities and I look forward to watching Christina, Derek, Addison, Alex, Izzy, Callie, George, Meredith, Burke, Bailey,& Webber. My favorite characters are Christina and Callie I hate Izzy.

Tonights episode made me cry so much and no not because I'm pmsing (which I am) but because it just made me rethink my life. my friend kayla IMed me and said she was crying. And i asked over what and she said greys anatomy I just thought that was kind of funny as im about to start bawling shes already hysterical crying. The show makes you think of what your afraid of. I'm afriad of not being able to tell the people I love that I love them and that I appreciate their love over the years or even months that I've known them. I have many goals in life and sometimes I don't think I will accomplish them just sometimes I believe that some things arent made for me to do or to say I've done them. For instance I didnt think I would get my drivers license on September 16 2005. Not that I'm a bad driver although I was nervous just because I didnt think that it would work out to my benefit.

I'm growing up each day a little bit more but once I got my license I realized that I can drive myself where ever i want to go and not have to take public transportation. Not that taking the bus, train, ferry, taxi, and what not are bad but this is another thing that I can do for myself to drive to be free. Now I'm awaiting to leave my home. The place that I've called my own for quite sometime now almost 20 years I've lived in the same house and hometown. I don't know anywhere else thats different but I can just tell I'll have fun away at SUNY Plattsburgh. Fulfilling my major and getting my career started. I'm just hoping I do well in my classes this semester and I pass the CPE exam on March 15th at 1:30pm. ( a lil reminder for myself) In order to get my associates degree in liberal arts before i transfer I need to do pass everything. I doubt that will be a problem just the CPE exam might be hard. But, its all writing and i enjoy to write obviously... I have three tries well if I was still at CSI in fall of 07 it would be but I;m not so I have to to well!! anyway this is enough rambling.

greys anatomy knows how to make a girl cry.

Lauren

I've noticed looking through my entries that I wrote somewhat like a giddy school girl. Well of course I would since when i posted them I was still in High School. I was never much of a fan of writing down what I actually thought. Most of the entries were about my mom being sick ( shes doing much better now) and Adam who is out of my life for good.

Adam has a girlfriend, has had one for about 2 years in october. In the beginning he didnt tell me he had one all of a sudden. I probably should of asked where our relationship was going but I'm glad I'm not with him. The last time i saw him was the beginning of September, he came by to talk I said I cant because I was going to visit my sister but then he just came by anyway I thought that he was dead when i came outside because he wouldnt answer to me basically screaming his name he was drunk and fell asleep. To make a long ass story short. He grabbed me, he grabbed my arm so hard that it had a bruise on it. I dont regret telling him that I dont want to see him anymore. But, with that he has no reason to be pissed off at me hes the one hanging out with someone else wanting to kiss them meanwhile he has a girlfriend. How fucked up is that? I never want to be the other women and dont plan on it.

So, I met someone.. someone awesome.. his name is Steve.. and oddly enough I knew I seen him somewhere before but cant remember. :] He makes me very happy and I feel comfortable with him more than I ever did with someone i was dating for a while or even for a few weeks. Sept 18th<3. My parents like him and my brother finds him pretty cool especially that his job involves sports. he said I give him an A for that Lol. My mom already told my family about him which at first i was kind of mad because she did that. I wanted to see how things go and then tell everyone, I just dont like my family asking me and saying why didnt you tell us. My mom likes to tell everything to everyone Mrs. Mayor. Anywho..

I have a job I work at Subway started about two weeks ago, its pretty easy if you know what to do and how to do things at an even space. I never knew how hard it was for people to work at subway and deal with customers who were sooo rude or even the nice ones who are crackheads. Lol. I didnt think I would work at a fast food rest. Its cool thou its not like I have to cook anything.. I work at night hope it stays this way..

I'm a Sophmore at CSI. dont like it. want to transfer most likely will be SUNY PlATTSBURGH. :] its upstate new york 5 hours away might as well.. I'll miss alot of people. but I'll transfer for Fall 07. Speech pathology & Audiology.! woo hoo.
I'm taking the second level of ASL which is going awesome I love sign language! ;]

I'll update sometime soon, since i remembered my password.. :]

Lauren

Well yeah its been a while since ive updated I got an xanga now lol hm.. what did my weekend consist of? Well it started friday after school me my mom sister and brother went to the movies to see shrek 2 it was soo cute, during the movie adam called good thing although i wasnt expecting it so i got home ate sushi then went out with adam.
saturday I did nothing but hungout at least I think I did hm.. yesterday I went to my aunts house for a little memorial day get together in which my uncles family was over we hungout with them and I watched Emma with his niece Rachel its a really good movie that ive seen over 30 million times so me and her were trying to count how many times paltrow tried to cry or fake cry it was funny.
Today I'm doing nothing it seems eh, not as fun as i thought it would be considering its rainging out yeah tons of fun... well I'll update later or another 10 days from now :] hehe until next time happy everyday

lauren

I didnt do much of anything yesterday Lea came home from school and I just hungout with her and my mom for a little while then came online until uncle george and claire came back with mikey from his game we all just watched tv and then me and lea went to carvel to get a cake for mothers day since my mom was in the hospital on that day.
Today was the spanish fiesta and my group did very well ranging from 90-95 which i feel bad for the history group they had like 3 boards filled with information that sucked cause m spice is mean grr at her! Then i came home and hungout and did nothing and talked to adam he has work from 12 to 8 and then he called me we talked for about an hour hehe maybe hell call me later not sure I hope so thought cause I'll be up but I love it when he surprise calls me hes hysterical ah hehe.. happy everyday.

lauren

I'm up early today and I went to bed around 2:30 its weird cause sometimes I'm an alarm clock and just get up and other times I'm just like eh 5 more minutes will make me happy, when usually it does. I'm not sure whats going on today I know my Brother has a Birthday Party and My dad is doing something today . Ill go take a shower put my hair up high and watch the clouds go by..Tonight is the season finale of SNL and sadly the olsen twins are hosting. Its like there running out of people now there going younger I know that the youngest person to host SNL was Drew Barrymore cause of ET which was cool I've seen it a few times, but come on only those who are worse seeing should be on the show there honestly going down hill.. Will Farrell, Cheri Oteri, Ana Gastera, Chris katan, etc need to come back. Yeah I'm rambling now heh, I'll update later or tomorrow if anything good is too happen. Happy Everyday,

lauren

It seems like i edit the way this thing looks more then I actually update it, which is pretty funny considering there is soo much going on in my life.. that was full of sarcasm. I was reading Jason Mraz's Journal on his site and I finally came to realize I wish that I wrote like him, so much imagery that you can picture things moving or coming right at you. He says things with such humor and in most cases even when your laughing you agree with what he says, it is truly amazing.
I didn't go to school today, my mom came home yesterday from the hospital and my Dad was going out so he didnt want her to be home alone, I would of been fine with that if he told me yesterday night or this morning so when it came around 10:30 i wouldnt of paniced and been like I'm late for school.. who would wanna go to school anyway after that time? I wouldn't. My Mom is doing fairly well although the phones were ringing off the hook for people to talk to her and ask hows shes doing.. cant she catch a break? I mean I was the answering service for her so she could sleep or just say she was sleeping so she wouldnt be bothered which was fine. I had no problem doing that for her, although you can tell shes very weak. She doesnt act the same and when she walks around it seems to much for her to do..I love my mommy!
So on Monday is the Fiesta for Spanish Class and I was bored today so i did the whole thing by myself I didnt mind but when I talked to Gina she was like I feel bad that you did it all on your own. And I was like as long as we all get hundreds I could care less how much it is. But, it was easy just drawing, pasting, and printing. If we dont all get a hundred on this thing I'm gonna go insane. I mean come on the two pictures I choose to draw took me at least two days to do each.
My sister comes home from college on Sunday during the afternoon I think because its the Senior class graduation in the morning and there having the lady who plays Big Bird as there guest speaker, which is very cute and disturbing but the class wasnt that happy about that even thought she said she wasnt gonna be dressed up like big bird which I think was very nice of her to reassure them heh. Lea, I think she bringing her friend Fink to the wedding hes a cool guy i think that everyone will enjoy his company. The wedding is Friday the 21st and im Off On friday and Thursday which is hella awesome. So on wednesday I'll probably go for a manicure/pedicure and get my haircut. And I'll pray that it doesnt rain and that I wont get alot of homework. So Until Next Time Happy Everyday,

lauren

so yes its been awhile since ive updated my journal, the journal in which i wish i didnt have to click sites and get into just to write how i feel and what is on my mind because most of the time when i say i want to update this thing i forget what i want to say and end up updating 3 weeks later. My mind is full of many thoughts and ideas in which i could just write with a pen so no one could erase them or find some other easier way to do so. Things are alright although my mother is in the hospital once again she went in the 23rd and came home the 25th and now she went in the 7th and im not sure if shell be home tomorrow.. She quit smoking is got rid of caff. she cant have anything that would make her jumpy or worried but she does that on her own anyway with no ones help. She is basically on 5 different medications even one to block the meds from destroying her stomach. I worry about her alot although we do fight i do love her and at times i dont admit i do, but i honestly do love her she is my mother and ive prayed for her everyday since she was in the hospital and in it again. I took my SAT's the 1st and that was a good day afterwards during the night i hungout with Adam for a little while and maybe even tonight I will too but if not its cool cause I do have a cold and I dont want to get him sick. He got a new car a 2004 toyota corolla..awesome and its silver he wanted blue but he would of had to wait a month so he got it yesterday. I just hope time passes with a steady pace cause i dont think i can take anymore surprises the 21st is my cousins wedding and im off that day and also the 20th cause my school is having there prom that day. Lea comes home the 15th oh joy lets have a peacefull vacation.. please..well happy everyday,

lauren

so monday, wednesday, and yesterday i hungout with adam again ha he told me he liked me and i told him the feeling was mutual.. he was more like i like you woman and i said well i like you man.. im not sure when well hangout again but things are good i guess except my mom is in the hospital so thats not good they think she had a heart attack but there still doing tests so shes not coming with us to visit lea in PA i woke up at 9:30 this morning cause i couldnt sleep and last night i went out around 9 and i got in around 1 didnt go to bed til 2:30.. Tuesday and Thursday i took a practice SAT test meanwhile on the PSAT i got around a 790 and well this time i got 960 which i think is really good.. so on tuesday my dad has to go back to where i go to talk to the people who were teaching me i think i did fairly well.. if not then well good luck to me on saturday May 1st.. and may 2nd is the mother daught luncheon and it would be a year on may 4th since.. james.. eh grr but whatever im happy now and will be til the end of time! and i think i should ask adam is he wants to come with me to my cousins wedding as a date or whatever just friends to go and hangout with me so im not bored that would be awesome and i think he would have fun with me and my family cause there pretty awesome ... hehe well until next time happy everyday,

lauren

hehe so my night was eventful i dont think im ready for a relationship no not lauren not i, anthony has been out of my mind for a while past 3 days or so he has been out of my mind i havent thought about him and i shant think about him tonight i hungout with my friend adam he is soo cool and down to earth i never realized it before so he came to pick me up around 9:50 and i got home around 4:00am.. woo hoo the best night ever<3 we just drove around listening to korn,rancid, the beach boys lol, a mix, and green day<3 then we went to the boardwalk and walked around i love that hes full of stories in which at first he was hesitate to tell me..they were funny and he loves forrest gump ahh match made in heaven lol we were both reciting lines and laughing the whole time hes really cool.. lol and very hott might i add? i dont know whats wrong with me its just weird i guess hes awesome oh wow like totally freak me out lol eh its way more hysterical when hes singing that and dancing around like an ass lol. so well probably hangout again sometime we were both bored and he was like eh screw it im going driving so i was like noo dont go unless ur taking me with u! so heh he was like ight be there in 10 i was like nooo wait til im ready! lol 20 minutes later he shows up hehe.. this was the highlight of my whole week off i swear we hung out for like 6 hours and it was worth every minute of it.. i dont want this happy feeling to go away i know were friends but he made me happy :] well happy everyday i hope, talk to yas soon

lauren

yesterday anthony came over it was fun at first then around 3 he left because of something personal in which i will not be saying. he was only with me for 4 hours.. :/ he usually leaves around 6.. its unfair i think i might even suggest if he wanted me to, to come visit him in brooklyn on friday and stay over til saturday that is if my parents let me and if he isnt busy.. i just gotta get my history essay over with and ill be fine.. and i must find my april calendar so i know whats going on the week i come back which is monday.. UGH! grr i dont get out at 1:30 on wednesday this is going to suck so im gonna see whats happening tomorrow and saturday i would be so happy if i could see him... and if i could go there and i think he would be too.. even though he prefers coming to see me... and ive never been out there.. maybe if someone in my family could drive me there.. and then me and him could take a bus back saturday morning.. hm... well ill just ponder about this i need to get ready for SAT class.

HAPPY EASTER! woo hoo today around 3 im going over my aunts house in which around 24-34 people will be there .. it will be different the first easter without Mama but I will be okay.. " in darkness she is all i see" yeah well last night i watched somethigns gotta give, and the other night i watched gothika and today once again i watched mona lisa smile cause lea never saw it so its a 5 day rental i think. I most get all my homework done cause this vacation is going faster then i thought it would, grr i hate this!! anyways wednesday of course anthony is coming over well hang again. Lea leaves tomorrow and i think were going to the mall so she can buy her roommate a birthday gift. anyways ill update sooner then later happy everyday,

lauren

"the easter bunny left a present and it wasnt candy" - stewie